Now I know I wanna win the war
We spent Memorial Day weekend at Lake Osoyoos on the border of Washington and Canada. On the way back, we were driving through these insanely pretty valleys of apple orchards and Chad suggests we become apple farmers. We talked about what it would cost to start up a farm, paying for land and equipment and apple grafts, but ultimately decided that I don't want to raise kids in such a small town. It's been an odd few months; we're trying really hard to stay upright as life is pounding us down pretty relentlessly. But what will fix it all? This is what I would like to accomplish in the next 10 years:
buy a house
Move to AZ
have a chicken coop and a garden
get a nicer car
finish my degree
have a cutie little family
have Chad get a job he really loves
That's it. It's crazy how my goals and aspirations for life narrowed down to the most suburban and predictable things. I used to want to be be so...interesting. I wanted to wear interesting clothes and have interesting hobbies (accordion, anyone?), and listen to the most obscure music, write the saddest songs, ride the prettiest bikes. I wanted to concoct adventures and have vast collections of obscure or pedestrian things a la Amelie. I see beauty in things that you don't. I am affected. I read more than all of you. Blah, blah blah. It's all so tiring.
A few weeks ago I read a quote by the great Mark Frauenfelder of BoingBoing in response to the question, "What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?" His response is exactly how I feel:
When I was 18 I thought that I had to go out and find things to make me happy. Now I am happiest when I don't venture past my property line. There is a world of adventure in my house and yard -- books, my family, drawing and painting, making yogurt, sauerkraut, and kombucha, beekeeping, raising chickens, making things. I still enjoy going out and seeing the rest of the world, but I also am at the point where I am never bored by staying home. Life gets more interesting as I grow older.
I want to experience things because they make me feel good. I think one of the major burdens of our generation is finding sincerity in our actions- choosing to do things because you want to do them and not because it would make a great blog post or Facebook album.
I will go on bike rides, have movie nights, walk around Greenlake and eat really great food. I will listen to music that makes me feel good, some of which is on the wrong side of cool, even the ironic type: Huey Lewis, Phil Collins, Joanna Newsom, The White Album, Bon Iver, NMH. I will read books that I like, not ones that I'm supposed to like (ahem, Chuck Palahniuk). I go to church because it feels right and good, not to prove a point that you can be a democrat and religious. And to include a level of schmaltz heretofore unseen on this blog, I'm just going to put it out there-- I just want to hang out with Chad. Everything we do, I want to do because we're together and that's what makes it fun. I want to paddle through the Arboretum and sleep in on Saturdays and go to Target for paper towels together. It's what makes me feel good and complete and interesting and I am wholly aware at how fortunate we are for that.
If there was one thing I could tell myself when I was 18, I think it would be very similar to what I would tell my 19 year old sister:
Don't be afraid to spend time alone. That makes it easier to emphasize quality over quantity of your friends. Don't try to be interesting- read the books and listen to the music and spend time doing the things you actually enjoy. Forget all about Polaroid film. Don't buy an accordion. Don't get a credit card. Don't think he's the best you can do. Call your parents more. Do more street art.
This video was shot the night after we got married, a reprise of the song I sang Chad at our reception. The sounds of little kids yelling in the background, the bright orange toy in the shot, the general pitchiness of the vocals would have made me very unhappy before, but now I think it's just perfect.
It is all good. All of it.